Alucard and English Reports
by Rim Alunatic
Summary: A little girl shows up at Hellsing's doorstep and demands that Alucard help her with a report...OVER HIMSELF! This is has a funny ending. ONE SHOT


Little girl at your doorstep

The day started out beautifully, and ended just as that: beautifully. The Verulian (Ver-ooly-an) gazed upon the mansion that was Hellsing's secret head quarters with a calm almost emotionless smile. Today was the day. She would meet and introduce herself to the renowned midian so many vampires and humans alike feared with only one excuse: to interview him and write a report worth an "A" for her English class. Her expectations were that he would either freely give up some information regarding his past and some descriptions of the life he had. If she was especially lucky she might manage some useful descriptions of how he came upon the Hellsing Organization –for her own curiosity of course- from him as well. Of course, as a "child" of seven hundred and twenty-two, she knew better than to get her hopes up. If he refused, she would play the "listen to your elders" card on him – for she had heard he was very adamant about respect towards his superiors or elders. If the rumors were correct and he could, in fact, read minds, it would take only a brief dip into her memories to see if she told truth or lies.

The wind had died down tremendously over the past few minutes, as she continued to gaze down on the huge mansion. Shrubbery dotting it's landscape in strategically placed locations lifted the eerie presence filling the land significantly. Plants were to her, siblings and life givers, since she herself had been born of such entities as these, though whether it be work of God or the one Below she did not know –or care for that matter.

At an almost unrecognizably slow pace, the sun surrendered it's brief half of the world to the crescent moon now hovering low in the sky. Her literally _clear_ eyes adjusted to the lack of light in a snail-like fashion until –some minutes later- she could see a stone half a mile off lying on the driveway leading up to the mansions entrance. _Finally,_ she thought, annoyed at how difficult night was for a sun loving humanoid such as she to adjust to. Slowly, silently, she walked her way down to the driveway at her leisure-like pace. Having the gift of knowing certain events in the future, she knew that the midian would have no other activities for the night and would thus have no excuse to turn her away save his master.

Her no longer emotionless smile grew to a point where it threatened to split her face in two when she graced the porch in front of the mansion. The dull and quiet knocking on the twice-her-size doors clued her normal protective emotionless character of the unnecessary action that is smiling as a thin and tall butler opened the door.

"Would this," she said, indicating to the house, "be by _any_ chance, the Hellsing residence?" Her voice was perfectly calm, although that of a child. Her presence did catch him off guard somewhat with her possibly being the only one of that height in a five to six mile radius.

"Why, yes. Yes it would Miss…?" He asked, as if he would immediately let her through if she told him.

"My name is Blitz Krieg (Blitz Cr-ee-g), and I would very much appreciate an audience with a Mr. Alucard or if not him, a Mr.Vlad Tepes?" She said, never one to dance around the object of her visit.

At this unexpected sentence, the butler straightened and his eyes narrowed. His face no longer showed as if he was talking to an elementary or middle school grade child, and he choose his next words very carefully. "Might I ask why and how you came to ask for him here?" No sign of recognition showed in his voice, but his eyes betrayed every fiber of distrust he had mustered in the brief conversation.

"I am doing an English report, and I have chosen him as my subject. Considering that he _is _over five-hundred years old as I have heard. If you will not let me speak to him, then at least let me speak with a Mrs. Integra and discuss the matter with her?"

"There will be no need for that, Miss. Krieg. What do you want?" A dark voice drifted over the butlers head and the room's temperature fell considerably. The almost mocking and curious tones fused together to form the perfect voice of superiority that he had managed to create at mere whim.

"Well, knowing that you've been eavesdropping, how much did you overhear so far?" Krieg asked, pushing a few strands of red hair behind her ears. _I simply must learn to tie my ribbon better!_ She thought a little annoyed at how untamed her hair was no matter how much it had been washed, brushed, and attacked with a comb, it had been. His red eyes followed her the entire walk to what she believed was a living room, examining her movements and the backpack she had slung over her shoulder.

As they entered the room he offered a chair to her and sat directly opposite to her on a large upholstered chair. The red velvet of the ancient chair that covered the aging wood of the chair fit the vampire perfectly –capturing his blood-red eyes, wild hair, and red Victorian style clothing perfectly. The smell of the wood, however, forced her to cringe. _The Wood is rotting from the humidity getting to it after all of these years… That God awful smell coming from it is going to kill me!_

"So how is it that a seemingly young chunk of meat like you learned my name and does not seem to cringe at my presence but rather the smell of an _old chair_?" He asked with a deep throated chuckle.

"Oh _splendid_! You truly can read minds, well this should speed things up dramatically! I'll pretend I didn't hear that "chunk of meat" part. I've come to do a report on you Mr. Alucard –that is how you wish to be addressed, is it not?" Krieg looked at the young man worriedly. It would not be good to start off the night by calling him an unwanted name. Not at _all_.

"I do not mind being called Alucard, but please refrain from '_Mr._' as strange as this sounds it seems rather…_odd _to have that attached to an enigma such as mine. So, how about you tell me why you don't just do this _report_ on yourself, you are _obviously _not the age you seem. Let me guess, from the way you walk and talk -with a vocabulary rivaling the butler-, three hundred? Maybe a little more?"

"If you must know, I am quite a bit older than you, actually." With this, a small grin made its way passed her normal emotionless defense and covered her face. It was gone for a moment as she struggled to hold it back but finally she surrendered to the grins urgency. _Why hide in front of one who rivals your own experience in years and will understand how it is to keep it in check in front of humans?_ She thought, once again forgetting he was a mind reader. _Oh! The report! MUST NOT FORGET!_

The conversation continued, and she began to pull paper and mechanical pencils out of the backpack along with a clip board for a writing surface. "Now then, _Alucard," _she took a deep breath and began her list of pre-prepared questions. "When were you born and when was your "death"? Parents, family, friends, would also be nice to know. If not then we will move on to more historical questions which would be more likely used in my report and-" she was cut off by his voice which filled the entire room with ease.

"Before we begin, I must ask. Why not do this report over _yourself? Don't make me ask a third time._"He warned Krieg lightly.

_Splendid! He is cooporating without my having to bring up the "elders" card! _Krieg thought ecstatically. "My sixth grade teacher said that it could not be over ones self or friends and had to be extremely _old_. So basically from a point in time which held some sort of significance," she answered. After this, he began to cooperate with little interruption and within an hour she had all the information needed. Birth day, "death" date, a few historical facts and valuable information about his family while he was _living_ (as in _alive),_ all under the name Vlad Tepes and neatly filed into her homework folder. She sighed and looked longingly at the midian, debating on weather she should stay or not. She missed others of her age's company. Being the last Verulian was not as splendid as all the immortality mongers made it out to be. Not being able to enjoy food other than sunlight and water as main nourishment other than nutrients from the ground she obtained while sleeping on dirt, she had nothing to enjoy. No one understood or talked to her during classes –the main reason she joined school was to gain friendship -even if they would die before she blinked. _Companionship…_ She thought with a feeling of alone forcing her smile to leave her freckled face. The thought passed and she immediately regretted thinking it, remembering that he could read minds. _Damn!_ She thought miserably.

Her brief moment of reality bearing down on her ended when she looked at the clock and realized she must leave to form the report to words.A guaranteed "A", as usual. She stood up to leave. _Time to stop standing as if you're going to leave, and leave Krieg…Oh damn! He can read minds…forgot again_, she thought screwing up her face at realizing he can read minds again. "Thank you very much for your cooperation and brief-" She fought hard to find the correct word to fill the gap left in the sentence and gave up with a shrug. "Anyway, thank you." She raised her arm to shake his hand and he automatically shook it with a frown.

"You never told me exactly how old you are," he said with a small grin appearing on his face. Fangs nonchalantly showed themselves to her as he did.

Grateful that he had prolonged the conversation for even a moment longer, she responded with her correct age and his eyes widened and a deep almost insane chuckle left him again.

"Would you mind coming back? It is not often I am able to speak to one so…" he paused searching for a word, and then laughed. "Old, I guess is the word I am looking for!" He said with a grin not often seen on a midian, a grin of pure enjoyment without causing another harm.

Shocked at this unexpected and un-demonic behavior, Kreig smiled again and nodded. "I am glad that I came this night. To meet someone like you is a chance in a lifetime!" She laughed at the word "lifetime" and almost skipped out of the room.

"I'm glad, you came too!" His voice filled the entire mansion and stayed with her until she left. Her green skirt, fluttering slightly in the new spring breeze, as she hefted her backpack on both shoulders and disappeared into the night.

Later that night, Integral Wingates Hellsing burst angrily into the living room, glaring at Alucard with a look of annoyance and death. Her white nightgown flowed beautifully from the wind her legs created and ended when she stopped.

"HOW DARE YOU DO THAT BLOODY ECHOING EFFECT WHILE I AND MANY OTHERS TRY TO SLEEP?" With that said, she pulled out a small hand gun and fired a few shots into his head. With a satisfied smirk she turned and walked away, drowsily muttering about how "the bloody cretin" would wake the _rest_ of the dead if he was allowed to. After gaining some vital skin mass back on his head, Alucard began to laugh, staring at the crescent moon. _Krieg is quiet the interesting name. _Later he complained silently about how Integra just _had_ to use the holy, silver, blessed, liquid sunlight, _bullets_ when shooting him…

-Courtesy to a boring Friday night and the realization that I can publish something as WEIRD as this shi-….errr….attempts to sound educated and fails miserably

me: flees from math numbers as Myself throws them in paper airplane form

Myself: MWAAA HA HA HA!

I: THIS ENDS NOW! I AM TIRED! throws a giant algebra book at Me and Myself's

faces and they hiss, melting away to oblivion at its numbery torment

I _win_……


End file.
